I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel websites on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of client retention. I translate online slurs for legacy media refugees, I write award winning Ello posts, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo everyone with my sensuous and godlike banjo playing, I can pilot projects up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in nothing, a veteran in all things, and an outlaw on Reddit.

Using only a Kingelon N8000 Android phone (low on battery) and a large glass of water, I once single handedly defended a small village in Farmville from a ferocious army ported over from Clash of Clans. I play Twitter troll with kindness, I was scouted by mySpace, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large gantt charts in my yard. I enjoy urban bottle picking. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge, mostly VCRs.

I am an abstract LinkedIn artist, a Classmates analyst, a Snapchat auteur and a ruthless bookie.

Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of Periscope evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a online citizen, yet still receive no fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured Serbia with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. My Instagram account is now closed.

My deft online campaigns have earned me fame in international botany circles.

Children trust me. I can hurl online comments at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read The People’s Platform, Information Doesnt Want To Be Free, and Converge in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire Facebook campaign that evening. I know the exact location of every item on Etsy. I have performed several covert operations with CIRA.

I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of online trolls who had seized a small bakery’s Facebook page. I balance clients needs with their wants, I weave via automation, I dodge terms of service, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.

To let off steam, I participate in full-contact yoga. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to save the file. I breed prize-winning retweets.

But I have not ..