Gayathry S

I can see the smoke haze lingering in the air, making odd shapes as the sunlight, (peeking through a crack in the curtain), hits it. It makes for a moment of distraction, drawing me only briefly out of my reverie. I am lost in thought. Not about writing this, nor what I am going to say, that is being done by me, yet not by me. It is as if someone else has come in to express these words, write them down on the computer, make sense out of them. My thoughts though are holding me hostage, until I tell the story that I have to tell.. Maybe this is will be the ransom to free me of their bonds?

In my mind, I see the waning daylight of an Alaskan summer, with the royal purples, blood-red hues, and deep azure blues. I see this out of an open window as I lay back on my bed. I hear my voice expressing the wonder of it all, over the phone to my best friends. Alas though, the window is now but a shadow, and the conversation is a thing of the past: it is but a memory. It hides a troubled soul, who even then was in deep pain, though looking back however, it was a turning point. Sometimes the reopening of old wounds, that run deep, will bring forth memories that are as painful now as they were then.

Looking for a time that defined my life was a process that did just that though. I found a place however, a place from which I was to move forward, and remake myself into someone I once was, a long time before. No, it was not some outstanding revelation which was to redefine my life, it was a shaping experience, and I am who I am based on these experiences. I was a “normal” soul. Of course, I had my quirks, of which I will not say here. That is, they are another story and of itself altogether. You know the ultimate family dream, a loving Parents, Brother, a secure job, two dogs and a cat. It was a lie, all of it!