Life Coach, Consultant, and Father in Vienna, Virginia
Imperfect Human who needs Jesus to be a better human, image bearer, & Horn of God!Living without Jesus at the center of my life, led me to a life of hate, anger, rage, self-loathing, & _____(you fill in the blank)!
The RESULTs of my selfish actions led me to discover a "Life of Chaos" spinning out of control without any sense of being able to stop this run away locomotive. My life knew NO peace because I rejected the person who was Peace.
It led me to thoughts of suicide just to try & stop the emotional pain I inflicted on those I love.
One of them was my mother on Easter Sunday 2019, my rage got the best of me and let my mother know how I felt (it was the last time I would ever see her again or have her in my home) she died on Thursday before "Mother's Day" 2019 when she was taken off of life support. I can never undue whats been done even though I did apologize to her the same day its not the same thing as expressing your love in actions that our felt and not just heard.
My motherexecuted her Permanent Change of Station (PCS) orders from Earth to Heaven on 8 May, 2019 & I was happy that she was finally going to be in a better place with Jesus.
However, I had mixed emotions about it all because of how things ended between us.It was that moment in the Hospital when we took her off life support that began my Quest of questioning God and his sovereignty.
It would end in a defining Capstone moment about a week later at 0300 a.m. in my basement I was screaming, crying and yelling at the top of my lungs at God (one of my neighbors called the cops on me I guess it sounded pretty bad). I was feeling completely and utterly hopeless. I had lost my way without any semblance of knowing which way to turn. I couldn't think rationally, or use coping mechanisms to step back away from the abyss of negative emotions. That's when I started crying to God, "God I need you to show up here and now. I can't take living another day like this. I need to know Your Peace, I need Jesus to take this pain from me because I have tried and failed everytime. Everything I try to do on my own God leads to nothing good but a life of Chaos."
"Please God I need to know you're here and you hear me. I need you now or life isn't worth living anymore."
In that moment the Peace of God flooded my soul and I could for the first time in a long time feel peace. He showed up in a tangible and real way that is hard to explain to those who don't know Jesus.