Daniel Earwicker

Berkshire

Not content with unifying the four fundamental forces, Daniel Earwicker proceeded to discover a further nine forces and unified some of them as well, leaving a remaining total of five forces still to be unified. Some critics have claimed that this is hardly progress but others have changed the subject just in time.

Daniel's achievements in the world of kickboxing are unparalleled. He has also found a way to make orange juice, but it's a secret. Let's just say: you'll need a whole lot of damn oranges.

A number of crimes in the Berkshire area have been solved thanks to Daniel's incredible ability to point at strangers and accuse them of things. But are the police grateful? Still, as the saying goes, you can't please anyone, any of the time.

Whether it's advising President Obama on hair dye, wiping the work surfaces in Madonna's tour bus or running on the spot for a year to raise money for the disadvantaged, Daniel can turn his hand to a kaleidoscope of activities, some important, others quite unnecessary and some, frankly, offensive to any decent person.

As Shakespeare wrote in his best-selling novel Hamlet, "What a piece of work is a man!" He could have been talking about Daniel, but he wasn't and we just have to accept that he wasn't a good enough writer to predict anything about someone who wouldn't be born for another 350 years.

Man, how long do these things have to be? The important thing is to believe in yourself. You hold the key to your future destiny - if you believe you can expand in size to a volume of seven cubic metres, then you probably can. By following Daniel's simple 500 step plan, you will change slowly over time until you no longer recognise yourself in the mirror. Nor will anyone you know recognise you, and you will be shunned and cast out of your community. It's really that simple.

The Primrose League Earwicker.com