Matthew Scanlon

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to rearrange the entire library by color in a single lunch break. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently, while juggling flaming torches. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes.