Thomas Codevilla

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel mountain cabins on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs, I write award-winning legal briefs, and manage time efficiently. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike physique.

Nike uses me as a foundation for Athleticism.

I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook thirty Minute Brownies in ten minutes. I am an expert in brodaddery, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

On weekends I do time trials on the Eiger with Ueli Steck.

I play bluegrass cello, I play professional rugby when they need a ringer, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges on my deck, where I also raise cattle. On Wednesdays, after school, I move the flatirons 1 inch to left so I can see Arapahoe Mountain a little better.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless jugalo. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of denim evening wear. I don't perspire, EVER. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I run the 100m in 9.65 secs. Children trust me.

I can hurl axes at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I am a member of the x-men. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket.

I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. I have a town named after me in Nova Scotia. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my balls are gilded with precious metals. On weekends, to let off steam, I organize a bare handed stone carving club. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.

I have made extraordinary four course meals using only whole milk and the flesh of animals. I have won bullfights in Madrid, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and chess competitions at the Kremlin.

I drink Scotch by the bottle, I've broken Chris Sharma's hand with a high five, my beard has a Facebook profile, and I carry kegs with me on camping trips.

And yet, Chris Meyer is still way cooler than I am (https://twitter.com/AdmireTheMeyer)

PS: In case it wasn't clear... This is completely made up.