Arthur J Grauer Jr
He lives vicariously through himself. He once taught a German shepherd to bark in Spanish. He never says something tastes like chicken – not even chicken. He’s been known to cure narcolepsy, just by walking into a room. He once had an awkward moment, just to see how it feels. His beard alone has experienced more than a lesser man’s entire body. Even his enemies list him as their emergency contact number. He’s a lover, not a fighter, but he’s also a fighter, so don’t get any ideas. When it is raining, it is because he is thinking of something sad. His shirts never wrinkle. He is left-handed. And right-handed. If he were to mail a letter without postage, it would still get there. He has amassed an incredibly large DVD library, and it is said that he never once alphabetized it. You can see his charisma from space. The police often question him, just because they find him interesting. He once punched a magician. That’s right. You heard me. If a monument were built in his honor, Mt. Rushmore would close… due to poor attendance. His blood smells like cologne. His organ donation card also lists his beard. On every continent in the world, there is a sandwich named after him. He doesn’t believe in using oven mitts, nor potholders. His reputation is expanding faster than the universe. His cereal never gets soggy. It sits there, staying crispy, just for him. The pheromones he secretes have been known to affect people miles away, in a slight but measurable way. His hands feel like rich brown suede. He owns three sports cars and rents five. He once taught a horse to read email for him. He once brought in $13 million at a charity bachelor auction, which was a lot of money at the time. Respected archaeologists fight over his discarded apple cores. Women are attracted to his farts. He is the most interesting man in the world.