Hello. My name is Alex Voakes, I'm a freelance astronaut. If you have a space programme that's tight on money, I'm your man. I've never been to space, and have a crippling fear of flying, but I'm cheap. CALL NOW.
Please don't call, I rarely answer my phone.
Someone called me whilst I was writing this asking for Justin Wilson Junior, I don't know who that is, this is why I don't answer my phone. So if you're Justin Wilson Junior run and hide, as this man sounded extremely horny. CALL NOW
Please don't call Justin, you've caused me enough trouble already.
Unless you run a comedy night Justin, and want to book me that would be fine, call, call as often as you like. The same goes for anyone else with a comedy night, or space programme, CALL NOW.
I'm going to eat a banana now, or maybe I'll do it tomorrow, bañana.