New York, New York
Hello, my name is Laura, and I want you to date my boss, Bari. I would have posted this on a Billboard, but I figured I could reach more people in the digital space - and this is is also more cost efficient.
A little bit about Bari? Well she's a pretty lovely person. She has a sense of humor that will have you peeing in your pants (but please wait until the 2nd or 3rd date to do that), her quick wit will make you second guess words that come out of your mouth (but she 99% won't emasculate you), and she has a stupidly awesome sense of life and how to live an enjoyable and entertaining one.
She works in the liquor industry, so there's already a perk of drinking some fine Scotches and Cognacs, she was born and raised in New York, so you know that she's already wise beyond her years, and after 1am every night, she becomes the House DJ in her house - get ready to listen to some sick mixes featuring Frankie Valli, Rihanna, and Zedd, all in one.
All-in-all, she's an amazing gal and I'm sick of the weird dudes she brings around.
You? Well, you need to be funny and charming, you need to have a good head on your shoulders, you need to be as inspired about your career as she is about hers, and you need to not be a drug addict, because that's just no bueno for anyone.
If you read through this and are interested in a date, send an email to email@example.com so I can try and sneakily facilitate this.
Also - if you end up marrying her or anything, or find out that she's the love of your life, I think I'll deserve an award - so please just keep that in mind.