M. A.

I don't like anything, I pretty much hate my life, but I am not suicidal, or crazy, I just have so many emotions bottled up in me, and I have no idea how to get it out, well there is a way, it's to conflict pain on myself. I don't like my "family"real or adopted. I was adopted twice, not because of me, but because of my fucked up "parents". I am all alone in this world. I wish someone would understand how I feel, but no one has been around long enough to know me, although I have been with this "mom" for eleven years. That is only because I never tell her what is troubling me, because well I don't want to bother her, and I guess it's fine.. she supports me, by giving me money and food and shelter... and things that are usless...things I want instead of what I really need emotionally. Every night I want to just cry out, but I can't because I would criticise myself. I like to hit my head, and dig my nails into my skin, I love watching people be in pain, but not so much pain that they bleed or die. That is just stupid. Infact I hate those people who likes that kind of things... I'd rather see them die instead of innocent people. I have two blood related sisters, it pains me that I cannot see them a lot.. and everytime I do see them, I feel like we don't have any connections to each other, so therefore I like to pretend that I am all alone in this world. As soon as I get a good job, I'd only take 10% of my pay and give the rest to this "mom"that I am living with right now, because I really don't want to owe her anything, and as soon as I finish paying her at least 1 million dollars over a long period of time, I will not see her as my "family". I would rather live alone where I have no idea who the peopl around me are, then live with people that I know, around me.