Benjamin Palmer

I am a dynamic figure, often seen playing in traffic and drinking Slurpee's. I write award winning recipes and read Braille at drive-thru ATM's. I manage my days efficiently.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike karaoke singing, I can pilot go-carts around hairpin curves with great ease. I cook 30 minute rice in 20 minutes. I am an expert in wallpaper, a veteran in love and an outlaw in Mexico. I compete in burro riding, and am expert trampolinist and I am the subject of an HBO America Undercover documentary.

When I'm bored I rescue midgets from burning buildings and help aging ladies across the street, but I was never a boy scout. I believe in Flying Spaghetti Monsters, that good will triumph over evil, and the fact the designated hitter should be banned from baseball. Children trust me.

I hop, skip, bounce, jump and can do a cart wheel. I once re-programmed a See-N-Say so the cow said 'rib bit'. The laws of physics do not apply to me. On weekends, to let off steam, I practice full contact, underwater basket weaving.

Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I am an iron chef, a loose cannon and a professional hamster groomer. I have won taco eating contests in Cancun, math competitions in Hong Kong, and thumb wrestling matches in Peru. I can tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue, recite 19th. century poetry, and can balance my check book.

I think "love at first sight" isn't just a cliche, everyone deserves a second chance, and hope the magic of the first kiss never disappears. I believe trust, honesty and truth go hand in hand, that things really matter when you share them with someone, and sometimes people really do need two pieces of gum. I have performed neurosurgery, spoken with Elvis, and played poker with Jesus and the Devil and won big.

I have done all these things, but I have yet to really do anything at all.