As a young boy, I had a burning desire to grow a beard; after years of effort (and naturally occurring hormones) my dream finally came true. Endowed with this amazing ability, I began experimenting with all sorts of cuts and styles. I grew Mutton Chops, a Van Dyke, a Handlebar-With-Chin-Puff, a Goatee, a Balbo, a Chin Curtain, a Hulihee—just to name a few.

Lamentably, I soon learned that a talent for growing beards did not translate well into worldly success, so I began concentrating on other things...