Paul Holmes

Once upon a time there was a lovely little sausage called Baldrick, and he lived happilly ever after.

Also known as Didymus Brush, I was meant to be a twin, but the world couldn’t handle two of me, and the spirit of my brother decided instead to enter the body of Basil Brush, popular children’s entertainer – which explains why he started out scraggy and posh, then turned fat and camp. My fault. Won’t happen again.

Meanwhile, the resulting clusterfuck that became me continues to amuse and bemuse people to this very day. You may also have seen my other brother off his tiny tits chasing Vince Noir and Howard Moon through the sewers of Dalston. He can smell me from here.

I'm a training journalist and the editor of The Velvet Onion website in my spare time. I also attend far too many gigs in far too many genres, and own a small empire of music and film which I digest regularly. I’m also deeply passionate about the conservation of great apes, and have great affection for gorillas and orangutans. They’re amazing creatures and deserve our respect.

Anything else? Well, I have mild OCD, and have been known to have a panic attack over a sticker not peeling off cellophane properly. Mental. I salute magpies whenever I see them. I adore foxes. I have a penchant for Sailor Jerry’s, which my liver may disagree with, but my brain does not. Possibly because I’ve killed the braincells that would disagree via the number of personal injuries I’ve sustained over the years. I also think you can 100% judge a person on what they think of Batman – if they don’t think he’s clearly the greatest superhero of all time, they’re probably pure evil. And totally wrong, of course.