I will DJ your special event. I also promise to stay conscious during the entirety of the night.

Why should you hire me? Because I take you and your guest's health and safety very seriously. I will come to your event absolutely loaded from head to toe with a variety of firearms, knives, repellants, and explosives.

I know what you are thinking, "Rick, every DJ I know brings a shitload weapons to their events. What makes you so special?" Well have these other DJ's been shot? Have they been stabbed? Have they been blown up? Have they had their heads sawed off? Have they met God and been tossed back down to Earth because the party isn't over? I check yes to all of those boxes and that's just from the last event I dj'd. I will not hesitate to take a life (including my own) or give mine in defense of your party.

Aside from that, I'm vaccinated bi-weekly. And on top of the aggressive vaccine schedule, my immune system is naturally robust as I routinely expose it to today's hottest and most popular upper and lower respiratory infections, animal diseases, sea-born pathogens, brain eating amoebas, biblical plagues, and voodoo curses. You won't be getting a last minute call from Ol' Rick because he has the flu. I am the flu and I'll be there.

For an estimate or to book me as your DJ, please bail me out of The Pittsburgh Penitentiary or call Warden Bartholomew.

** Customer agrees to provide transportation, musical equipment, food, and bathroom facilities**