Eugene Takahashi

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling skyscrapers and fighting crime. I redesign shopping malls on my lunch breaks, increasing their parking capacity by 35%. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning tone-poems, I manage time efficiently. I woo women with my sensuous scent, I sprint up severe inclines, and I play the Minute Waltz in thirty seconds. I am an expert in competition pottery, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Singapore. Using only a grapefruit spoon and a roll of tape, I once single-handedly defended the city of Portugal from a murder of ravens. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. Children and domestic animals seek my counsel. I hurl shoes at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I sleep once a week, in a chair. While on vacation in Peru, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full contact origami and synchronized underwater basket-weaving.