James Albrecht

I am the 2003 World Cup Champion in the Super G discipline. Remarkably, I am also a renowned song and dance man, having won accolades for my paean to smoking "When Your Heart is Broke Apart (You Don't Care About Your Lungs);" I am a decorated honorary member of the Belgian military and have received that nation's highest honor for heroic service rendered to a member of the royal family (who subsequently insisted on anonymity). I have been poet laureate of two countries (three counting my private island).

I am an incisive critic and inveterate showman: All the late night talk show hosts have sought my advice. (Letterman said I was "swell." O'Brien called me "Savagely real." Leno: "handsome and winsome." Ferguson: "Pert and Perky." Kimmel: "Like a girl cousin I'm no longer allowed to talk to.") In my spare time I visit sick children. Note: this is the only respect in which I am predictable. That's how much I care. When visiting hours end, I raise lilies and black currants and make hand-crafted creme de cassis which I pour into handblown glass and top with hand-carved corks. I am a friend to animals. Wild beasts come naturally to me and lay their heads on my lap.

At times I suffer a delusion: I believe myself to be James Albrecht.