The Life and Lies of Jamie Dumbl

My piano teacher was called Anne. LIE. I just wanted to have a deep connection with sallyanne.

I say things like 'I'm game' cause I want to be black as I have a parsnip willy.

I once told a girl I checked the price of a flights to vegas for the craic when really I tried to book filghts for me and this ride sallyanne cause I dream of sharing the same confined space and air with her.

I made a joke about Paul Bunburys dreadlocks once to impress a girl but I feel bad about it.

I say 'fundage' instead of money to impress the laaaaydaaays.

I'm too scared to have pres in the library- I get kicks out of being the librarians little pet.

Sal once mentioned we should be twins..I told her she wasnt hot enough..that was a big lie. I would like to formally retract that statement.

I once told sal I would tie a brick to her before I drowned her in the liffey..when what I really wanted to do was fetch lots of bricks and build a house for us to spend our lives together.

After writing a 2000 word assignment after a night out..I declared I loved myself when really, I love this girl called sal.

I once told everyone I knew what the biggest string instrument in the orchestra was...I lied...I didnt have a clue.

I play 'ride sally ride' every evening before I go to sleep.

I once said my party piece was falling slowly...when really its bringing the birthday girl to the bathroom when no one is looking.

I watch the late late toy show alone, cause I need only those nerdy kiddies and me for an evenings entertainment.

I once said 'I could turn cassanova gay' even though I couldnt...so its a big lie.

I mass produce cages to supply Jimmy Savile. Another fib...we think.

One of my most used tabs is meatspin...

I once waited for sal in the courtyard, she never came, I never stopped hurting.

When sal told me she used an electric wheelchair once...I touched myself .

I linked sal a pic of us shifting and said 'shit look we were caught solid' when I knew that the photographer I had hired for me and sal had taken that shot.

When sal said we should be called jamie-anne, I went ahead and changed my birth cert and ordered a new student card. Turned out she was joking. I started therapy.

The end