Klaus von Strauss

Welcome to my website. I am Klaus von Strauss, German artist. You know, when I was a young boy growing up in Kuntwentz, I always knew I would be an artist. Art is my life, but I never imagined that I'd be so embraced by the art world. My first foray was in 1988, when I fucked your mother.

Are you shocked? Well, this is my art. I have sex with your relatives. It's meant to disturb you, and like all good art, it should leave you with questions. I'm sure many of you are thinking, "Oh, he doesn't mean my mother." Trust me. I do. I mean your mother. The woman who birthed you, who coddled you. The woman who put a band-aid on you when you fell down. I totally nailed her.

I was fresh out of Universitat der Kunste, searching for my voice. Then I met your mother at a cafe. She was visiting from America. I told her her jacket reminded me of the icy embrace of a winter's night. Later we fucked behind a Stuppengratz, which is like a German Wendy's. I had found my calling.

Imagine your dear, sweet mother wrapped in passionate embrace with a young German artist. His mouth wrapped around her fingers, his tongue feeling the smoothness of her nails like tiny pebbles. His hand, snaking about her waist, subverting traditions of Western family and stability. That feeling you have in the back of your throat that tastes like vomit? That is my art.

Later works included fucking your cousin on the floor of the Reischstag in 1991, and seducing your younger sister but never calling her back in 1993, for which I received a Konisberg Grant.

I've branched out into more experimental work. I continued my series by fucking your father. It took a few drinks, but I explained to him how my art is a biting commentary on the modern world, and soon we were entwined on an ottoman together. I was nominated for a number of Young Artist awards, and I collaborated with David Bowie on a video piece titled, "Hummingbird Delicately Drawing Nectar From a Flower."

We covered your great-aunt in butterscotch icing and newspaper and 69'd with her totally hardcore. They paid me 3 million dollars.This year will be culminating in a retrospective at The MoMA. They closed off an entire wing for me to fuck your relatives in, and another wing for the smell. I have an upcoming experimental series of me fucking your furniture, and when your niece reaches legal age, I have an agreement with Saatchi & Saatchi to fuck her at a runway show for Givenchy.