lockout

On Sunday, July 3, the Economy voted to lockout its Employees, barring them from access to jobs, income and millions of adoring fans. The long-expected lockout puts 2012 and beyond in jeopardy and comes as the NFL and NBA are trying to end their own work stoppages that began in March and June respectively.

"We're just not profitable anymore," said the Economy. "Something had to give."

Despite a three-hour meeting Saturday -- the sides could not close the enormous gulf between their positions.

"The Economy is digging in," one Employee said. "They made it clear to everyone that they will not budge. I don't think we're closer; in fact it worries me that we're not closer. We have a huge philosophical divide."

According to experts, the Economy has been in a downward spiral since early 2008, despite a cheesy marketing campaign called "Bail Out" that was supposed to reinvigorate consumer confidence and jump-start all the markets.

"Thankfully, I was planning on this lockout happening and saved up a few hundred bucks in my savings account. I think I'll be okay," Employee Earl Wilson said, "But I know a lot of other Employees won't be. I've always got those 'Buying Gold TODAY' endorsement deals on the side of the road to fall back on."

Despite outpouring of anger and frustration from Employees, the Economy sees things differently. "We had a great year in terms of the appreciation of consumers for our work. It just wasn't a profitable one for the Economy, and it wasn't one that many of the smaller cities particularly enjoyed," the Economy said. "The goal here has been to make the our entire market profitable and to have a thriving atmosphere again where beer flows like wine."

In 2010, the Gross National Product of the United States was estimated at $14.66 trillion, a figure the Economy says just isn't cutting it anymore.

"The problem is that there's such a gap in terms of the numbers, where they are and where we are, and we just can't find any way to bridge that gap," Wilson said. "Hopefully I'll get a food coma on the 4th of July and not wake up until this shit is over."

Wilson said the Employees made a "moderate" new financial proposal, but it wasn't enough to keep the two sides at the bargaining table.

"We're going to stand up for what we h