Mad diary of me

19 years ago my mother gave birth to.. Me! Why? I have no clue, because I sometimes don’t feel I am important to her. See, this girl has two brothers (as if one wasn’t enough torture).

There is A. He is in his twenties, has a girlfriend, a real pain in the ass with bad intentions. He did some nasty stuff, I mean, real nasty. He’s always been this ‘hard to handle’-kid. But now, he’s not in our lives that often. So, he’s not a problem, he’s kind of a little like me. We’re both not in the spotlights anymore.

And there’s W. Now that one is special. At least, that’s what my mother thinks. He is just a obnoxious teenager who has really bad anger issues. Actually, that runs in the family. Not the point, but the fact that he gets away with it, crushes me. Because me and my older brother didn’t.

Growing up sucked. Hard. My mother divorced my father when I was 3. Then immediately moved in with my stepdad, got married, had a baby. A boy, which I totally hated by the way. But that’s not the first thing that went wrong.

Of course, there’s the divorce. After that, my grandfather died of cancer. And I didn’t even cry at the funeral.. Hell, I didn’t even talk to the guy when he was alive, because I was afraid of men. A month or two after that, my mother gave birth to W. I just couldn’t accept having a little brother! And I don’t even know why. Weird, right!

Moving on. Later on in life my dad decided he just didn’t want me or something.. Because he never came anymore. He just made up some lame excuse and never showed up again. At first, it didn’t hurt. As I grew older it started to bother me more and more. And now I even cry sometimes, because I am telling myself it’s my fault. I know it probably isn’t, but he’s not here to prove me otherwise, so it must be me.

When I was about 10/11 years old, my other grandfather died. I never actually knew him that well, because we didn’t speak whenever I visited. Somehow I regret that too. And the messed up part is that I had two wonderful grandfathers and I was too afraid to start a conversation with either of them. Quickly after that the rest of my dad’s family and me lost contact with eachother. It crushed me. My dad didn’t want me and now the rest ‘agrees’ with him. It was so hard, especially my grandma, because I was always so close to her.

In 2009 I lost my golden retriever. That was the hardest time of my life. I have never felt so bad in my entire life. He was the only thing that kept me going after my whole family just abandoned me. And now he is gone too. And I still miss him so badly. All the memories I have include him. Every time I get reminded of a holiday or just anything fun, I think of him.

But those are just the sad parts of my life. I do have great memories. Like getting a pet, or going on vacation, acing tests, the memories of my dog. Just the little things. Things you always under appreciate. I seem to enjoy them more, because I know they only last so long. And I don’t have to give up on life, just because I get a little depressed about things I don’t like.