maurice steif

chatham nj

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Maurice R Steif, bon vivant, raconteur, polyglot vin-extraordinaire, mensa president, playgirl centerfold, billionaire, was born in Borneo, in the small town of Port-Au-Pottee, to Swedish parents there on a mission to convert the natives to Zoroastrianism. His youth was spent wandering through the jungles trying to avoid stepping in animal patties, where he first learned his ability to skirt issues. His upbringing led him to learn all the skills necessary to live; making furniture with coconuts, eating bugs, and talking to monkeys, all skills which later stood him in good stead, living in New York's gritty barrio of East Harlem.Maurice is the number-one listed person in the "who's who" of Borneo. Of course, since numbers two through twenty are a native, a yak, and eighteen various rainbow colored birds, the distinction is somewhat mitigated, but hey, he is still number one!Maurice graduated Ngembe's School Of Good Learning, located in Borneo's capitol city of Skhrknreeyehr (pronounced, "Shh") where he majored in non-Euclidean and Boolean algebra, with a minor in leaf-weaving.
After emigrating to the United States in 1927. he states," It was somewhat traumatic an entry for me, as passing through customs, i was told me that my nose-bone was a potential security risk and had to be surrendered. The drippy mess it left my face caused acute social discomfort for many years."As every emigrant does, Maurice worked odd jobs in order to live; chicken sexer, mattress tester, phone psychic, and cemetery telemarketer. His travails were penned in his first novel, "Viagra Falls", the story of the meteoric rise and fall and rise and fall of social-climbing with debutantes from Manhattan's chi-chi upper east side.
Currently residing in some friend's basement, where he pens his daily musings, Maurice is working on his latest opus, with the working title, " I'm Ok, But You... Eh," a how-to book on self-improvement. Look for it in bookstores near you this fall.

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