Are you missing your house cat? Did Dear Fluffy pass on to Cat Heaven a bit too soon? Are you allergic to real cats? You're in luck! For a minimal fee (mostly cat food* and toys) I can be your house cat!

What will you get if you hire me today? For starters, I'm an excellent lap cat. I guarantee at least two hours of cuddling and purring a day. I will actively ignore the fact that you exist, unless I want to be scratched or fed, just like a real cat. I'll play with toys for the first year or so, but after that, I'll just look at you like you're beneath me, which you are.

For entertainment, I like being read to, preferably Rousseau, Voltaire, or Proust, although most national best-sellers will suffice. I will also attempt to destroy at least one item in your house that you love every week - this includes that damn goldfish that keeps smirking at me from behind his glass force field.

*Cat food consists of filet mignon, fine cheeses, and good merlot