Alex Kalikimakani

I was born on a pirate ship off the coast of Peru, where I was given a traditional Aztec upbringing, during which I excelled in the arts and sciences. At age 7 my parents murdered each other in a freak fencing accident, and I left the tribe for Omaha, where I trained under the legendary Vin Diesel. At age 18, after a failed Fear Factor audition, I set out for a berry plantation roughly 4km south of Albuquerque. I currently reside on Vancouver Island where I lace street drugs with powerful toxins and redistribute them to school children and pregnant celebrities.

Also, I am allergic to most brands of khakis.