Mike Noonan

For many years, Mike Noonan has been suffering from a dreadful neuromuscular disorder that was first identified in a 1992 study published in JAMA. Tragically, it afflicts tens of thousands of white men between the ages of 15 and 50 each year. Informally it’s referred to as “South Side Swagger”. SSS is a debilitating malady that has researchers totally baffled and has no known cure. Fortunately it appears to be confined to the geographical area bordered by The Stevenson and Dan Ryan Expressways, and Interstates 80 and 294. The disorder causes its victims to display bizarre speech patterns peppered with grunts of “Deez,” “Dem”, and “Doze”; possess a grossly over-inflated sense of strength, ferocity, and libido; and have a ridiculous penchant for donning multi-hued plaid shorts and absurd “Irish-style” caps daily between the months of April and November…in public. Doctors have taken to prescribing non-invasive, but nonetheless radical and aggressive treatment of SSS in recent years. Chief among these measures are rigid dietary restrictions (aka banning trips to so-called “Beef Sammich Joints”, Mr. Submarine, and the burrito-serving shanty at 63rd and Archer called “El Farol”); music therapy that totally excludes traditional “South Side” sing-a-longs such as those by REO Speedwagon and Pink Floyd; and the surgical removal of any and all tattoos that incorporate either the Italian or Irish flag, or that weird “War Chicken” from the Polish flag. Defying, at times, insurmountable odds,Mike Noonan has managed to carve out a meager yet rewarding life for himself. He has sired four children and has been married, to a woman, since 9/11/1999. Mike’s medical conditions may come as a shock to many throughout Chicagoland who have listened to him whether they liked it or not for more than a decade on radio stations like 97.9 The Loop, 96.7 Will Rock, and US 99.5. “I had no idea Mike was grappling with SSS and NRDD all the time I was listening to him prattle on about the merits of Black Sabbath’s raw fury and subtle, pro-Christian messaging disguised as anti-establishment secularism, vis-à-vis the inane lyrical vapidity and bald-faced sexual turpitude of today’s talent-free rock stars like Kid Rock and Nickleback. I would have pulled my cab over and applauded his courage had I known,” says Sarvesh Patel of Chicago’s Jackson Heights neighborhood. “Mike Noonan is an American I can actually get on board with.”