MJ

Writer in the United States

Read my blog

Making Juice

When life gives you lemons, sometimes you have to eat the lemons.

Of all of the things that I ever imagined I never once considered the idea that I would never get all the way better.

Where have I been?

Waiting.

I want to say that, these years later, I am in a place where I find solace in my prayer for healing or that I meditate or offer up to the universe my many gifts to unravel the mysterious karmic secret and reveal the reason this happened to me.

I want to say I throw coins in a fountain and even bother to wish. I can’t do that. I can’t say it.

Not today.

Today, I can say that I’m here and I am a skilled pretender. When I have one, my smile is real.

And I am surviving.

Falling off the end of the internet searching for answers is not something I recommend experiencing. Since then, I seem to find sites about focusing on the positive and embracing the lessons and celebrating the journey.

This is not that kind of thing. Not today.

The rise of that sun is flirting with my horizon…but until then, there is simply this:

Things happen. It’s not personal. Some days you understand that it is random chance and circumstance and some days you understand that it is all choices and consequences.

I’m not ready to write inspiring blurbs on what I have learned by embracing my stillness or celebrating my vessel in its new form.

For now, I’m trying to stay off ineffective medications and, frankly, the toilet so that I can get the kids to the bus stop.

I am coping.

I know that hope is for all of us. I see it coming.

Emily said it is a bird. So it has to land, eventually.

Is it a decision that waits to find you when you are ready to understand what it is that you are supposed to be hoping for?

Dunno.

For now. This.

Some days I focus on all that has been lost.

Some days I focus on what has been found.

You’d be surprised at who is secretly eating lemons.

Thank God, I found all of you.