Saint Zombie

It all began so simply in the afternoon of December 10th 1976. This is the day I took my first breath. This is the day that marked the beginning of the meshing mess I'd come to know as myself.

I am a Parisian and Cajun French native of rural central Louisiana. I am the oldest of my siblings and the product of poor and persistent parents and an equally poor and stubborn society. With the bad there has been good. With the good there have been further difficulties.

I am disabled and diagnosed with Schizoaffective and Bipolar Disorders. I am also diagnosed as having Borderline Personality Disorder.

I have struggled to date with esteem conflictions regarding my gender identity and a maladjustment to self-acceptance of my sexual orientation. I can best identify as androgynous, or being psychologically both masculine and feminine. My sexuality is one of great confusion and conflict.

I can never fail to shake my genuine sexual attraction to and romantic longings for women. My sexual, emotional and romantic relationships with men have been traumatic and dissatisfying. These involvements have left me beside myself. I feel discomforted by the large possibility that without having been accustomed to these traumatic conditions with men that I may have only gone on to have sexual and romantic relationships with women. Equally I have a discomfort that causes me to cringe in secrecy that perhaps one more chance with a man would find me the one who could erase whatever, presumed, rigidity caused me due to my experiences and, breaking some pitiful cycle, love me in a way that I could love him completely and be satisfied on all levels.

Hmmm.

The degree of complexity, or perplexity I should say, that I have myself entangled with runs deep in all areas of my being. Flexible but always oppositional aspects compose each area of my life and every aspect of my being.

In thinking, I am analytical and critical. I am able to always dissect a single opinion or thought into often alternate possibilities of correctness, fairness or conceivable objective for further consideration. I enjoy this curious debate. I tend to chalk it up to my wanting to remain open-minded, although I am often stubborn in my opinions of the moment. Go figure.

Emotionally, I am typically conflicting between a want for self and a need to tend to or satisfy the emotions or needs of others.

Regrettably, my creative process