North Carolina, United States
I was adopted from birth, the product of a pedophile and a woman who I later learned was as bat-shit crazy as I am today. I grew up in a violently dysfunctional alcholic home. But as bad as my alocholic father was, my mother was worse. Her words cut me to the bone. I still carry the scars.
My bipolar disorder began to manifest itself around the 7th grade. I was a rapid cycle person, if I can even call it that because sometimes the depression and mania were simultaneous. I didn't live in reality. I lived in a world created in my mind.
I began my criminal career shoplifting as a teen. My friends and I would make a game out of it. We would go "shopping" and see who could steal the most - monetarily speaking.
Then came the promiscuity. I sought acceptance through sexual activity. I never could quite differentiate between sex and love. So needless to say, I fell in love alot.
I was seldom monogamous and on occasion, would have sex in public places, such as the back dining room of a local restaurant.
When I married and had two children, post partum depression exaccerbated my bipolar disorder. I first sought treatment in 1993. I've been through so many doctors, more than I can count. I've been on every medication in the book. I've been on and off those meds, much to my own demise. When I'd go off my meds, I'd go crazy and start stealing things again. I even stole my monthly tampon supply.
I ran up tens of thousands of dollars in credit card debt. I ruined my own and my husband's credit record. We finally had to walk away from our debt. We didn't even have the money to file for bankruptcy. I've been arrested twice.
I've struggled to be a good mother, which is more important to me than being a good wife. Though, I've had my moments when I've utterly failed as a wife also.
Now my kids are grown. My daughter does home health care and my son is in the military. My husband works twelve hour shifts, which leaves me at home alone much of the time. I like this. I like being alone.
I am on disability for my bipolar disorder and struggle daily to maintain my medication regime. I still get out of control, but I think I'm managing better. My blog will help others see what is going on in my mind, how I feel, and hopefully to let them know they are not alone