stephanie money

The Delicate Blue Butterfly is about the current chapter I am in in my story of life. It's sad, and painful, and hard. I have days I have no idea how much more I can take on, but some how I keep breathing.

On January 21st I contemplated taking my life. I felt useless, unwanted, unlovable, that I didn't know how to love others. I had been triggered by past sexual trauma. I couldn't see any of the beautiful in the world past the pain I was feeling. I had pills. and a liquor store. Luckily, my brother had found me before I had done anything. I ended up spending 6 days in a hospital, and am currently in and Intensive Outpatient Treatment. I have a Therapist, a Psychiatrist, and a whole team at the treatment center.

Most days I want to run away, or feel some other pain than the pain that the past memories are causing.

My family is supportive, but I can't tell them how to help.

I don't know if anyone will read this blog, but if they do I hope that it helps them feel not alone. That someone else out there feels the same way. That someone else is going through the journey of figuring out how to love themselves, and figure out who they are...not love themselves again, or go back to the way we were. The truth is, I don't think I ever knew how to love myself, and the abusers in my head never let me figure out who I wanted to be...or that I was good enough to be anything.

~Hope for the Blue Butterflies