I am an accredited Stunt Linguist, Larry King's undisclosed Arch-Nemesis, and a formidable adversary in the sport of Competitive Tentistry. I often flaunt my sentience, shave my beard using Occam’s Razor, and incessantly refuse to return Kristin Cavallari’s phone calls. I occasionally enjoy high-altitude Bank Telling, deftly outmaneuver marketing ploys, and I file business taxes, but only recreationally. All my dogs have been named John McLane. I owe Dr. Phil a game of basketball, I command a small legion of Painted Turtles, and all my potpourri smells of hardware stores.