Sy'khu

My 18th year. What will I do?

I am a socially awkward introvert. I get burnt out easily. I was always hesitant to speak up to others first, and was too shy to even maintain a proper conversation. Due to my current situation, I will also have less time to respond to Discord DMs, pings, etc. I will be moving in with my aunt. I have a life outside of the internet. I was also preparing for myself to graduate as that was right around the corner.

Please do not bring up this topic to me in a normal conversation if you decide to willingly read all of this.

For years, I hid severe mental, physical, and spiritual exhaustion behind a wide smile. I felt small, sensitive to every insult, and disconnected from a generation I wasn't proud to be part of. Crying in silence while acting joyous for others. I hated this world I lived in. I felt pathetic. Extremely miserable. I looked like a loser.

My home life was a cycle of impossible standards and verbal abuse. My parents expected perfection while guilt-tripping me into feeling like I was playing the “victim card.” We were gated by language as well. I had no clue how to speak Vietnamese, just English and non-fluent Japanese. My older brother is autistic. He is nonverbal, and finds joy in causing chaos for everyone else. Almost like an actual menace to society. My parents did not know how to raise him properly, and even abused him. I was threatened if I ever defended him. The worst part was that I had a responsibility of watching over him. My autistic brother that was 5 years older than me. And that was FORCED upon me. This pressure made me start failing classes every single year during middle to high school. I never had time to do anything. Countless of therapy and counseling sessions weren’t enough to fix the psychological trauma and damage that was already done to my childhood. People in this generation treated suic*de as a joke. All I could do was be scared of them. This became to the point of where I committed several suic*de attempts, all of which ended in failure.

Flood Escape 2.

I am a suffering survivor from a shithole of a Roblox community, called Flood Escape 2. It was an extremely toxic environment, and I wasn’t safe from it. Every interaction was unhealthy. I have dealt with countless of fake “friends”, manipulating, backstabbing, blackmailing, and ghosting me. One stalked me for two months. I gave them a circle to all be happy together, talk, hang out, and do whatever they enjoyed doing. Until I sacrificed my own peace to listen to a person’s sob story crying in a voice call, who then eventually claimed I didn’t care about them to begin with. All I felt was pain. All I felt was insulted and mocked upon in return of everything I wasted and sacrificed for these people. I was also made fun of, because of me being the silly foolish person that I was. That was my personality. Because that’s how I found happiness in these tiny moments in life. I could no longer act like that person. I was forced to put on a persona to satisfy everyone else for the sake of their own satisfaction, where I myself felt like I was dead inside. I no longer felt happy about anything in my life. I was going to give up on academics, relationships, and my own future.

I did not forgive anybody.

I finally decided to leave Roblox‘s FE2/LB’s communities, stop uploading content for it, and throw all of those friendships I built away. My life has taken a change for the better, and it was the best choice I had ever made. Looking back at those communities again now, all I did was laugh at the state they were in.

Today, I only cared about music and art. They saved me from my negative and depressing thoughts. I could only thank the two of my closest friends, Tokyo and Null, that prevented me from doing any more of such things, and my girlfriend that I’ve known since elementary.

Life felt pointless to me, but I still had the will to keep going. I was still here to see another day.

Please do not LIE to attention seek. I recently had to deal with that and I’m tired of that bullshit. If you need help, please get it. I beg you. Do not do stupid stuff like my old self did. It hurts me to watch your actions as much as it hurts you.

Thank you for reading, people.