julia

i am a 30 year old woman with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). i was diagnosed when i was 15 and have unfortunately suffered from almost all of the possible side effects. it has made me incredibly strong in so many ways.. silently suffering while others pass judgments on why they think i am the way i am. but it has been one of the hardest battles that i will continue to deal with for the rest of my life.

part of that battle is that i have been overweight almost all of my life. the PCOS being one of the biggest factors there.; as well as my biggest crutch. honestly most of my life i just ignored it out of frustration. why do i have to be different? why does it have to be harder for me?

along with the weight, i was told i am not able to have children. august 15th, 2009 was the day i found out i was pregnant and also the day i miscarried. the idea of even being able to conceive was really not an option i ever thought possible. the thing i desired most in the world, yes; but possible, not so much with my defeatist attitude. it was then that i began the blame game. if only i was healthier, thinner, ate better, etc. essentially this was my fault for not taking care of me. if i couldn’t even do that, why would i be able to have such a gift?

and that allowed for the next big journey in my life.

weight loss.

september 19th, 2009 was the FIRST time i really began to change my life. sadly it was my miscarriage that motivated the change. i went to a personal trainer twice a week. i was in the gym the other 5 days a week. i’d cook healthy and take my supplements, etc.

by december of 2010 i had lost 74lbs. i went from my heaviest i have ever been (254) down to 180. because of the PCOS it was harder than the average person trying to drop weight. it was one of the most rewarding moments of my life. i had never worked so hard for anything in my entire life. and i still had a ways to go. i was beginning to find happiness again within myself, but there were so many other areas where i felt alone. i started to get back into the things i loved. singing, theater, music, writing, friends, family. and with that i dedicated less time to myself. eat, drink and be merry.

well i did.

so there i was only one year later and 61 lbs heavier. i tried to get back the motivation but i continued to fall deeper and deeper i