THPof5

"Forgiveness does not mean excusing"-CSLewis

This is something I've been back and forth about posting for months. I haven't really wanted to but felt a strong pull on my heart to do so. I've had a few people inbox me and they've told me, "You seem to have the perfect life." It has made me stop and think, "Do other people think this about me?" So, I decided to share my thoughts to ya'll about this statement.

First of all, I do not have a "perfect" life but I do have a blessed one. Here's a little bit about my story and why it's not "perfect." It's not hidden and ya'll know I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I suffered almost 8 years. I blocked most of the abuse out and went on with our very fake lifestyle. Yes, I had things. Lots of nice things. I got whatever I asked for and then some. I can honestly tell you that none of it made me happy.

After I gave birth to my first daughter, everything I blocked out about my childhood abuse - Surfaced. I suffered years of serious depression and had suicidal thoughts on a regular basis. I kept this hidden. Nobody really knew how bad off I was. I was pretty good at hiding my real emotions because I did it my entire life. One Spring day, my husband was at work, my oldest was at school and I put my youngest down for a nap. I wrote a note to my husband and children telling them I couldn't take the pain one more day. I went out to my garage, sat in my Mercedes, rolled down the windows and started my car. I began to sob like a baby and waited to die. I can't remember how long I was there but it felt like forever. Something told me to "get out" so I did. I ran back inside and cried and cried. I got my baby out of her crib and hugged her so tight. I couldn't wait to pick up my daughter from school and was thrilled to see my husband come home that evening. Now, do I think I was being selfish? YES! I know what it's like to be in that dark place and you only see yourself. Alone. Screaming on the inside and nobody hearing you. Anyway, on May, 5, 2004, one of my very best friend's, Kelly, asked me to go to her church revival. I was hesitant at first but decided to go. It was on that beautiful night I accepted Jesus into my heart and began a Real relationship with Him. He is the one who provided me with the comfort I longed for. He provided me that soft place to fall. He was strong where I was weak. He held me up. He gave me Hope. He was the light I needed to see. I still have my sad days. I t