Un employed

Well, here I am again. It’s hard to believe that I lost another job. I have so many thoughts and feelings coursing through my brain, that it’s hard to keep track.

I am angry. How could I let myself get to this point again? I saw the writing on the wall, but I didn’t act quickly enough. Hell, I should have never taken that job – but the truth is that I just wanted to support my family.

I feel incompetent. I know that I’m not, but there is a part of me that feels that I’m just not suited for the corporate world. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I translate all of my knowledge and skill to a successful career?

I feel disheartened. It’s like, no matter what I do, it doesn’t make a difference. I end up in the same place. I come home, make a sad puppy face and tell my wife one more time that I just got fired, or laid off or whatever. It’s getting tired. Something has to change to break this cycle.

I feel helpless. I know how to get a job – I just need to figure out how to find the right one and stay in it for a long time. I really don’t want to have to get to know a whole new group of colleagues, clients, processes etc. I want to do what I’m good at, without being second-guessed. I want to be able to set goals and see them through.

I feel like I’m in a bad nightmare or horror movie, where I’m stuck in a loop for eternity – doomed to make the same mistakes and to relive the same scenarios over and over again.

I’m afraid. Afraid of losing my house. Afraid of the impact on my wife and children. Afraid of what it’s going to do to me. Afraid that I’ll never be able to find career and life satisfaction. Afraid that I won’t be able to afford to support my family. Afraid that I’ll never be able to get ahead.

I want to move forward. I want to figure this out and break the cycle. I need to not stray into the depths of despair that are waiting around the corner. I need to be able to quickly pick up the pieces and make the best of this.

I need strength and hope. I’m not sure where I’m going to find that, but I’m hoping that the desire to do so is enough to sustain me.