Timothy Hanlon
Ruler measurer and Sniffer in Tristan da Cunha, Saint Helena, Ascension and Tristan da Cunha
By the time you read this, I will already be dead.
When they came over the hills, their wild eyes streaming with acidic tears, it was my own dear mother, by Jupiter, who took up her frying pan and beset them with both iron words and ironware.
Two months later when I discovered that only the folk stylings of Australian musician John Williamson could repel our scaled oppressors, many chose to take their own lives, rather than risk listening to the music, much less live to see his album go double-platinum.
For my sins, I was awarded the Nobel Prize for Economics, the Victoria Cross, and a participation award for Little Athletics that the President found.
"Keep it," he said as he proudly pinned it to what remained of my chest, "so the world will know what you have done for China."
Rather that rest on my laurels, though, I chose to follow the path of my ancestors, and in the process invented the hairbrush, Post-It Notes, and the myth that eating carrots improves your night vision. Upon discovering that the path of my ancestors was, in fact, a cul-de-sac, I focused my my substantial force of will - which was already over 9000 - and exploded into millions of shards and scattered into the heavens, thus creating the night sky.
Autographs are available on request.